Hi, I'm Jessi and I'm an addict. Opiates and emotionally unavailable men to be exact. I wanted to give a little introduction to why I decided to start coming to these after 2 and a half years clean. Because for some reason I feel like some of you look at me and think "why the fuck are you even here, you made it, you don't need this"
Someone once said to me that I talk about drugs too much. I always bring up a story that involves using or I talk about my recovery and addiction a little too much. It makes him uncomfortable.
Another reason is that the same person who told me that I talk about drugs too much also argues with me when I call myself an addict. "You're 2 and a half years clean. You're past it. You're not that person anymore. You're not an addict."
But I am. I will be until the day I die, And I did it to myself.
What separates me from being in active addiction and recovery is a choice every day to not pick up a bag of heroin. It's a choice to not ruin my daughter's life. It's a choice to continue fighting every day to meet life face on and not look for a way to escape the pain by filling my lungs with smoke.
I need to be around people who "get it", and who don't argue with me when I say I'm an addict. A place where I don't feel ashamed for bringing up something that was such a huge part of my life.
I need a place where I feel hope that I can forgive myself.
Now please don't get me wrong. My support system is very strong. They celebrate my soberversaries with me. They talk me down when I have a weak day. But they don't actually get it. They support me in my recovery but they don't understand the shame I feel that I'm now a statistic. I'm a recovering heroin addict single mother.
It's a lot easier now, 2 and a half years later, and with a small poop machine that relies on me being at my best 24/7. But there will always be a little voice in the back of my mind that whispers "you can do it just once... You're strong enough... just to really make sure it's out of your system... come on... don't you miss me?" I just need a place where I know that little voice isn't only speaking to me.
Now I'll close this up because I know I'm about to go over my time, but I'll leave you with a lyric that touched my soul.
"We are defenders of the broken life we've chosen, and there's no one else to blame."
Thank you, I'm Jessi and I'm an addict.
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