Recently I had a conversation with someone I love dearly about coming out of the closet of addiction. I only equate admitting you're an addict to "coming out of the closet" because there is such a stigma around being an addict. There's so many hurtful comments floating around stories and articles written about addiction and addicts. Mostly from people who have never been or have never loved an addict. So these comments make it extremely hard for those of us who are too afraid of being looked at differently or treated differently, to in fact come out and admit our dark secret to our loved ones.
But back to my original point, I do believe coming out of the Addicts Closet is an insanely brave act. Because you're putting your most vulnerable self on the table for people to judge. You're telling these people that you're flawed. That you've been weak and can't trust yourself not to give in. That's not an easy thing, to own your mistakes and say "this is who I am. I'm not proud of it, but I'm owning it."
I'm going to give my advice to those of you who are questioning if it's a good choice to come out. Keep in mind this is my own personal thought process and my own opinion.
My daughter is predisposed to addiction. I am an addict and her father was born addicted. My father is an addict, and I believe to some extent my mother is one as well, just not to drugs. Melody's father's biological parents were also addicts. When Melody is old enough to understand and possibly be around drugs or alcohol, we're going to sit down and she's going to learn why Mama can't have narcotics in the house. We're going to talk about how she is predisposed to addiction and some time in her life drugs will be put in front of her. She needs to understand she's not like her friends who can do coke for a party and walk away and not do it for 3 months. She needs to know that more than likely she will do coke that once for a party and she won't be able to function unless it's in her system. I want her to know that addicts aren't bad people because her Mommy is an addict. A recovering addict yes, but an addict all the same.
Now to coming out to loved ones. I've felt in my own recovery process, by owning it, by saying "Hi, I'm Jessi. I've done heroin. I've done percs. I've done some horrible things that still haunt me" I can start to forgive myself. It also gives me strength. I'm a fucking addict. But it didn't beat me. If I'm able to be honest about it, I can hopefully change some people's views of addicts. Not all of us are shitbags. Not all of us are shady people. I want people to look at me and say to themselves "Fuck... If even Jessi can succumb to addiction, none of us are safe." Because addiction doesn't give a flying fuck who you are. If you have the wiring for addiction, it doesn't matter if you're a CEO, a pop star, a teacher, a mother, a firefighter, a janitor, or an HR lady. It doesn't matter if you had a perfect life or a life that was filled to the brim with tragedy. Addiction doesn't discriminate. And the more of us that screams from the rooftops that addiction has touched us, maybe the stigma will change. Because more and more people will see the normal everyday people that sit next to us at work or we speak to at the bank or get coffee with and catch up or who rings in your groceries have faced addiction maybe, just maybe we can find the support that will change the epidemic of overdoses.
So, be honest with yourself, be honest to your loved ones, be honest to your children. The more support and love you have, the easier it will be to forgive yourself. You're not alone. You have people that understand and love you.
I don't know what I would do without my friends and family who know. I can go to them when I have a craving or I get down on myself for being an addict. And they raise me up. Tell me I'm doing amazing and remind me that I'm so much stronger than the demons in my mind. They give me strength, and I wouldn't have that strength if I didn't come out of the Addicts Closet. If I had to keep this a secret, hide it from everyone I knew, it would eat me alive and I probably would have relapsed by now.
So my advice is to wear your badge of addiction. Be honest with yourself, because the only way you'll heal from it is by accepting that you're an addict. But that is not who you are, and the more people around you that know you're an addict the more support you will get when you have a weak moment. I promise. ❤
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