2008. Somerville, MA. 16 years old. Sophomore in high school.
She's standing in front of me, I've been given this one chance to speak to her and I can't make the words come out.
If I tell her to avoid certain situations she won't become me.
Do I tell her to not trust that girl and to leave him? Do I tell her that what he's doing while she's in the bathroom isn't him taking his pain meds? Do I tell her to run screaming from home the second she has a chance? Do I tell her she needs to keep plenty of condoms on her at all times? Do I tell her that when he says I love you, what he actually means is I love what you can provide me? Do I tell her that her daughter is going to be absolutely gorgeous and weird as fuck? Do I tell her she finds her tribe, which turns into her family? Do I tell her she meets her father again? Do I tell her that she needs to keep those papers the cops gave her when she was arrested because if she loses them it's going to be a problem she doesn't need? Do I tell her she ends up friends with the girl he cheats on her with? Do I tell her eye shadow is a better eyeliner? It doesn't run nearly as fast. Do I tell her to start taking care of her skin now? Do I tell her that she never speaks to her mother again? Do I tell her not to pick up smoking just to impress that guy? Do I tell her that emotional eating and binging is her problem? Do I tell her she's not crazy and she actually does have depression, anxiety, and PTSD? That she gets medicated for it too? Do I tell her to make sure she packs all of her books when she moves out with him? Do I tell her to make sure she wishes her 2nd mother a happy birthday even after she moves out? Do I tell her she has her own apartment in a different state? Do I tell her not to withdraw from school?
She's right there!! She looks so young, so haunted, so sad. She's unbelievably quiet. How could I have ever been this quiet?! If only I could fix her hair while I'm here, maybe take her shopping, and get rid of those shitty emo/grunge shirts. Brighten her up a little. No, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to tell her something. But what?! What could I possibly say to this girl to make her understand that pain is necessary for the life we have now?
"Jessi, I'm you in 10 years. I know. I look old as fuck. I am so unbelievably tired, it wears on you after a while. Haha. But I'm here to tell you something. I can't tell you what to do, what not to do, who to be weary of, or which situations to avoid. All I can tell you is that at this moment in time, you are so happy. You come to know a love and happiness you didn't know existed. You wouldn't believe the life you have or the people who are in it. You end up being a tough fucking bitch. All the pain you're going to go through has a purpose. Please believe me. Just keep going, and make it through one more day. Don't be afraid of life. Don't force yourself into a box. Cultivate happiness. Because believe me, when you're my age, you'll understand. Oh, also, protip. Use black eyeshadow and an angled makeup brush as eyeliner. Just trust me. Took me years to figure that one out."
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